#but I need catharsis and pain

[amiserableseriesofevents]

That 2:45pm sudden need to write another major character death fic

[chipper-smol]

So...... Loop and Odile huh?

v THE OTHER RESPONSE I DOODLED v

yeagh

[luck-of-the-drawings]

smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.

[impzone]

anyone have recommendations of books that are about coping with mental illness? not even coping just like, works about being ill that make you feel seen. i'll take anything autobio, whether that's a novel, poetry, comic, or someone's personal blog.

[wereh0gz]

Thinking abt sonic being angry again. Angry crying and shaking and not speaking and isolating himself bc he doesn't want anyone to see him in that state bc he hates being vulnerable and doesn't want his emotions to cloud his judgement and turn him into a danger to his friends

[eosofspades]

next gen (2018) is the best movie ever for a lot of reasons but the biggest, most integral one that i've never seen anybody actually address before, is that it is fundamentally a story about being a very young child who is suffering so much emotional pain and the experience of that pain not being taken seriously by anyone around you. mai's anger issues and crushing loneliness are absolutely integral to any reading of the story's themes, and not only is her pain a driving force, but it is validated by the narrative. the story doesn't mock her for having "daddy issues," she's not just a whiny or dramatic little girl; she is ABSOLUTELY justified in feeling lonely and hopelessly angry, and the movie goes out of its way to show you things from HER perspective. and at the end, the "lesson" she had to learn wasn't that she was WRONG about how she viewed her mother and her situation - in fact, her MOM is the one who has to learn that she was mistreating her daughter and hurting her.

the movie also takes so much care to honestly and realistically show how that loneliness can manifest in the most destructive of ways - mai is ALLOWED to be angry, she is allowed to be rude and abrasive and destructive, and while it is portrayed as a problem and something that needs to be addressed, the narrative never BLAMES her for it - because she is a child reacting in a real, emotional, raw, human way to her trauma and pain.

what i'm trying to say is i have never seen a film before that takes a child's feelings of misery as something so valid. the narrative NEVER condescends to her character, it never comes across as patronizing. and the movie isn't about having to forgive the people who hurt you, but instead it's about the importance of not letting that pain stop you from making NEW memories and better relationships. it's so real and RAW and full of love and ultimately, it is about how even one person looking at you and saying "i see your pain, and i'm not going anywhere" and meaning it can be enough to save you.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

It's so weird watching fullmetal alchemist in contrast to naruto. Because both are set in fucked up worlds where everyone has committed war crimes, has had war crimes committed upon them, or is a war crime. But I trust that fma fundamentally understands how fucked up everything is, including the sinister qualities of the institutions that allowed this to happen. Naruto understands its fucked up on a surface level, but also glorifies the institution and never changes.

[daezedglownut]

Was struggling initially with this new fic I’m writing bc I was trying to find a way for Jasper to realistically explain his motivations to the king, seek forgiveness, and then go on to prove himself a better person bc he wants the forgiveness and approval (it’s all he’s ever had under Mordegon, after all 🥺).

And then it hit me: get into his head.

Truthfully he’d more likely be very up front about his crimes - and not exactly apologetic, but civil enough to communicate that - almost in a warning to Carnelian. Think: “no I am not a good man, - I will never be a good man, and it is not a given that you will ever be able to trust me. I have done bad things, and I expect—demand punishment”

Meanwhile the truth really is bubbling beneath the surface. He feels terrible—thinking he has crossed one line too far—but he’s nowhere near ready to address it. Far too easy to hide behind a veneer of “I made my bed, now I must lie in it”, and pretend like it doesn’t hit him right in the heart when the king says no punishment is coming, and he must simply aid in the reconstruction of Cobblestone - and all around him, little by little, as he allows himself to remember the man he once was, he sees people thaw and trust him again.

:’3

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

The thing that sucks about knowing the context for a popular ship redraw meme or incorrect quote is watching people be so so incorrect about it and just having to sit there, gripping your thigh, reminding yourself of your values

My personal problem is the quote from "Everything Everywhere All At Once": "In another life I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you"

Because every day EVERY DAY even with ships I love, I watch people use it as a "Oh my god isn't it so tragic that these two characters are forced to suffer the horrors or to be ripped apart when in their heart of hearts they want to be living domestically and doing laundry and taxes?"

And I have to sit there and think "No no you don't get it! That line wasn't the tragedy of the characters not having a better life where they can just be together. It's a different kind of tragedy! The main character didn't like her normal Chinese immigrant life of running a laundromat and dealing with taxes and her family in the USA. Once she learned about all of these different worlds, she began to feel even more like her current life was one that she didn't want. In fact, this life where the guy said that popular line was one where she chose not to go to the USA with him to build a life and love together and became a famous actress instead. She has been thinking about how her husband truly held her down and stifled her life. How if she hadn’t chosen him she wouldn't have had to deal with him and her life would be better and more exciting. And so she's talking to this alternate version of her husband who never became her husband, and she starts making a case for why this is the best outcome. After all, who would want to live in a laundromat and do taxes when she can be a movie star and have anyone she wants? And this is when he tells her that that life that she rejects, that she feels is lowly and one that no one would want, is something that he wants. He doesn't care that she's a famous actress now, he would have loved to just live a simple life with her, even if it was hard and taxing. And this moment in the movie is so so many things (things I'm not even doing justice to here), but it is also a major moment that highlights the disparity in these two characters (even if one isn't her og husband) and their desires.

The main character feels trapped in her life and that she never lived up to her potential. Her husband truly would want to be with her simply because of the bits where it isn't exciting. Even if they're poor and suffer hardship and do things considered simple and lowly, he would still like that life with her.

So yes every time I see this meme my brain screams "get out of here with your blorbos in an au who tragically can't live normally and domestically. Bring in your blorbos who love(d) each other and are messy and are on the verge of divorce and want different things in life, who have to make a choice in what to do about it. Give me your "person who feels trapped in this small life and wanted bigger and better things who lowkey resents the other who is just supporting them" x "person who understands this life isn't always easy or glamorous but is glad that they get to do it every day with this person, who would choose a life of love with them no matter what"

[banghwa]

there’s just this quality to yoongis music and his work in general that is so raw and intimate that makes me totally unable to talk abt it bcs like. it’s all so real and vulnerable and cathartic that it feels almost intrusive to do so. but i just hope he’s proud of himself. i just hope he knows we’re proud of him too.

[actualbampot]

CRWBY every Friday be like:

'Tomorrow is PAAAAAIN'

My dude. It's been pain every week.

[dragondusst]

I finished Le Salut and Lucas's Salvation ending

I actually really liked Le Salut for what is because by this point we have to be used to the crazy logic and edginess and just run with it. I loved Dahut getting his villain screen time and he's honestly skyrocketed past some LI's even for characters I enjoy. Ankou's reveal slightly disappointed me that we really threw away any fantasy element tied to the game but he made up for it by being the silliest fool and one of the more tragic characters (also the GLOCK). And the implied idea in the bad end that the routes could be Adolphe potentially traveling back in time like a cycle made me get nier automata flashbacks...it's a very chilling idea. I'm glad Nadia and Lucas got happy endings here though.

I really wanted to hate Lucas's salvation ending since it's doomed after he kills everyone...but the work they put into it to set things right makes it hard to not love it. Lucas's route has always been the most raw emotionally. Dahut getting pissed and attacking Capucine, and helping to bring Nadia back, Nadia and him really are something. The last CG has no right being as pretty and sad as it is and Lucas made me bawl

Ngl I am salty that his routes feel...a lot more punishing compared to the others like DAMN Lucas fans can't have anything. Guess I'll be delusional and imagine a happy ending with MC, Lucas, Nadia, and Dahut

[dovesofcedar]

Needed a break from writing. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, so here’s me projecting with a pouty/sad MacCready, because I love this sad dad dearly. 

[rimouskis]

I think the universe allowed me one (1) trip this year that wasn't mired by deep emotional struggle

[singlethread]

does anyone have any good chronic pain 911 fic recs

[pepprs]

girls who slam themselves in the 3x meta psychic prison. mutuals my mother straight up does not love or see or understand me and never did. when the pain is unending 😍

​ok yeah. i wasn’t going to write about it bc it’s deeply embarrsssing on multiple levels but like. i watched the childhood video tapes. except i couldn’t get the one from the first 2 months of my sister’s and my life(s) to work so i watched one from when we were 4 and our brother was less than a year old. and mutuals… in SO many of the clips she’s filming him and only him trying to get him to bounce and shit snd i ask for her to turn the camera on me so she can see me dancing or i can show her the picture i drew for her or ask her a question or share a thought and like… yes i was an annoying feisty bossy attention seeking 4 year old with a horrible bowl cut. but i was 4. and i just wanted my mom to listen to me and look at me. and she was dismissive to me in the videos like not outright cruel but exasperated with me for constantly trying to stick my head into the shot and asking for her attention. and when she would say “not now tess” or “tess you’re blocking him” etc etc i apologized for it and that part was sad too. idk. all of it was sad. i knew watching this shit that i was probably gonna stir stuff up which would be dangerous esp bc i don’t have therapy until the end of the month and i did stir things up just in watching the documented footage of it. i wish it was safe to post some of it on here bc it’s genuinely… like i feel like i don’t get to say it was sad bc i was being annoying and attention seeking but it’s sad.

on top of that.. i couldn’t get the vcr to play shit on my laptop bc i didn’t have the right equipment for it so i had to play it on the tv. and my whole family eventually caught on to me watching it and have watched clips of it with me now. and that’s just so complicated. bc they’re all adding their commentary about it too and im letting them and inviting them bc i don’t know how to set boundaries. and my mom… god. my mom is DOUBLING DOWN on exactly the same stuff she said in the video when we were FOUR YEARS OLD. saying that my sister and i got to be filmed so much when we were babies and now it’s our brother’s turn. and i get that. i really do. i know i got attention when i was a baby and i can’t deny that. i know it wouldn’t have been fair or healthy or whatever to neglect him in favor of me / us. but also… i was FOUR!!!!! i was too little to understand what the politics of attention meant. and it just kind of fucking sucks that she’s holding that against me NOW too (as she said multiple times today / tonight) like saying scornfully that i was always so jealous of him and she doesn’t understand why i needed attention so badly since i never had undivided attention in the first place as a twin. like… i was a little kid. what did you expect me to do just like magically not need attention anymore and understand that the baby gets all the attention and go busy myself somewhere. idk. i feel entitled / selfish for saying it WHICH IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM like that video tape literally documents whatever mental issues i have now emerging… like me learning that i wasn’t important anymore and that when i sought attention i was just getting in the way and being annoying. lol

AND…. on top of all of this… sitting down with my mom and siblings and showing the videos and laughing over it and inviting their laughter even though it hurts to watch and it hurts to laugh at it and to hear them laughing… my mom’s focus in WATCHING these videos 20 years later is almost ENTIRELY on my brother!!!!!!! STILL!!!!! like the whole reason i had the clips i had was to… idk. trace the genesis of my mental illness and she wasn’t even paying attention to that she was just cooing over my brother. and when i told her why i was watching these / attempted to point out the patterns she got exasperated with me for overanalyzing everyrhing and navel gazing etc etc to an unhealthy degree. i fucking give up lol

it feels stupid selfish etc etc to be spiraling abt this and i usually don’t make long multi paragraph posts but like. god. this was a mistake. i never should’ve done this. it happened with the whole coming out day snapchat story thing too among other episodes. every time i dig up a thing from the past that she did that hurt me and try to explain it in retrospect she never changes her tune or comforts me or expresses any understanding or anything. she just doubles down on what she said / did before that hurt me so bad and it hurts me all over again. it could’ve been so much worse and the experience of adjusting to having a new sibling is universal and not a big deal in the slightest but it was a big deal for me. i so clearly took it hard and needed attention from my fucking mom!!! and that wound is still raw and now ive ripped it wide open again. scared little girl moment